Spoiler: They Make Babies

Jezebel reviews Danielle Steel (so I don’t have to).

Posted in Things To Read by spoilerbaby on March 1, 2010

Over at Jezebel, Sadie reviews Danielle Steel’s Big Girl: A Novel.

I had a moment of intrigue when I first saw the cover for this novel.  The cover’s design steers away from Steel’s previous gold-plated cover style and toward a “contemporary romance” style.  (Probably aiming for the “chick lit” crowd, but I recognized it first and foremost as a romance genre.)  The title, too, gave me that familiar flare of hope I have for romance novels that feature women with some heft.

Thank goodness that I shook off that temporary mental paroxysm and reminded myself that this was Danielle Steel.

I once bought a novel by Steel at the airport, since I had read every other romance novel in the store.*  I can’t remember the title, or the characters, or what was happening; it was so boring that I immediately lost interest.  It was so boring that I didn’t read it.  I didn’t read anything at all, rather than pick it back up.  That’s right, nothing.  I read during the commercials before a movie starts at the theater, for fuck’s holy sake.  I have been known to read and enjoy things like Casca the Warrior when I have nothing better to hand.**  Steel was seriously, seriously boring.

Anyway, I’m rather pleased that Sadie agrees:

So, are all Steel’s novels written like they’re for remedial readers? I’m not being snide (I mean, I am, but I’m also serious.) Because short of YA, I can’t imagine what the market is. Clearly, she’s onto something, being the 7th-most popular author of all time, but seriously? I mean, I’ll read trash, but the whole point is, it’s usually entertaining.

Read the rest of Sadie’s brief review here. Then buy something more interesting.  Hell, I’d pick Glenn Beck over this.  At least Glenn Beck is loathsome.***

— First Mate Jess

* – I am in earnest! I had read every other romance novel in the airport bookstore.  This is the problem with being a speed reader.  Well, that, and the massive backlog of novels I have to review.

** – My fencing coach had the whole Casca series up on the balcony level of the club, and I would read them during our summer and winter training camps (rather than talk to people during lunch break, obviously).  They were about this guy Casca, who was the Roman soldier who stabbed Jesus in the side and whom Jesus DOOMED TO ETERNAL LIFE, and his travels THROUGH HISTORY, mostly violent war-related history.  There were sex scenes with FALLEN WOMEN.  The books were all gloriously ridiculous and sexist and violent and pro-Christian, and I would sit there and giggle delightedly over them.  Tiny ten year-old me, hip-deep in terrible dime novels, was a very happy creature. For example, there was one where Casca ended up in Nazi Germany, fighting for the Fuhrer! And his unit ended up rebelling, because they saw what was happening to the Jews!  They had no idea before that!  Oh man, giggling again.  I love things that are that wrong.

*** – Not that I would ever give Glenn Beck money.  I might steal his book rather than deal with Steel, though.  Or maybe I would just read the back of the free packet of peanuts, over and over and over again.  Yeah, probably that.